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IS PHONE SEX ALLOWED IN MARRIAGE?
I AM ADDICTED TO PORN, WHAT DO I DO?
Pastor Mildred Okonkwo and others tackle pressing questions ladies ask. Say:
RANTING ON SOCIAL MEDIA BRINGS ATTENTION BUT WHAT YOU NEED IS SOLUTION
IF ANYONE TRIES TO MOLEST YOU, SPEAK OUT WHERE THERE CAN BE A CHANGE. DON’T GO TO SOCIAL MEDIA.
DON’T BEND TO SERVE YOUR HUSBAND FOOD AND CURSE HIM IN YOUR HEART.
THERE IS NOTHING LIKE FORGIVE AND FORGET BECAUSE FORGIVENESS IS NOT LOSS OF MEMORY.
THAT YOU HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN THE PAINS DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE NOT FORGIVEN.
‘GOD IS THE COVENANT WITNESS OF YOUR MARRIAGE’.
YOU MUST ALWAYS PRESENT YOUR MARITAL ISSUES TO HIM FIRST BEFORE SEEKING ANY OTHER ALTERNATIVE ‘
Just Us Girls Conference with the theme ‘Revived.’
Day Two, Afternoon Session (Q and A Session with Pastors Mildred Okonkwo, Adeola Ajani , Temi Areo and Ms Ekene.
Question 1:
How do you handle a spouse who has become angry with Church?
Pastor Deola:
Good afternoon everyone. I am sure you are having a great time this afternoon. Praise God!
You have to understand that marriage is very important, once you have a spouse who is already going anti-church then there is an attack on your marriage. So, don’t attack the person, alright? The first thing you will have to understand is, there is something causing that. And the first you want to do is pray.

You see, prayer works. And you see, there is something I have learned from Pastor Kingsley and Pastor Mildred over the years is that God is the One who is the judge over your marriage and if you take the matter to Him in prayer, God will answer.

Remember, God is the Covenant Witness of your marriage. I don’t think it is a matter of fighting, of course, the first thing is to pray about it. If there is someone who your husband listens to or is submitted to, of course, talk to them, tell them about the issue, let them help talk to him but you must pray.

And of course, you have to be a Christian.
It’s so powerful women that our actions can change a person.
We are that strong, alright?
So, I feel those three things for me will be the few things I will say.
Thank you!
Pastor Mildred (M)
Let me quickly add to that.

I think that once you have done all these things, the emphasis on the fact that, that Scripture says that by your conduct that person can be turned back to God.

Once that person is turned back to God, they will feel a need to come back to Church because that is where they get the infilling, the fellowship, and everything they need to sustain their relationship with God.

So, I don’t think you even get to do so much, once they have found their way back to God, the rest is sorted. I just wanted to emphasize what she has said.
Question 2:
Should a married woman that has committed adultery inform her husband about it after repenting of it?
Pastor M:
I didn’t say you should come and tell him like that, except you want the relationship to end. So, he has to be prepped, so usually, we don’t just say go and confess.

There is a process. We have to work on the wife, work on the husband, and then in some cases, if we have spoken to the man, we usually will find, can the man take it? If he can’t, we will tell you not to give details that much but at least you will tell him what happened, when, and how just that it doesn’t happen again.
If it is when you go for work trips then he knows that work trips are a trigger or a danger zone. He knows to check up on you, he will be more accountable.

Most men can’t handle it but if your husband can…… A counselor will talk to him. We usually do that. So, we will talk to the man, find out what he can handle, what he wants. Sometimes even in counseling, they don’t even want it to be spoken, they want it to be written.

So, we need to know. What do you want? I always encourage, don’t give details.
Because the mind works, even if they forgive you, it will come back.

Question 3:
I get the urge to watch porn now and then. And I want to stop. I am a virgin and a teenager. What do I do, please?
Pastor Temi:
Okay, thank you.
To answer the question. This person watches porn and
She is a virgin and then she wants to stop it. So, what does she do?
I want you to understand first that when you are dealing with sin. You see the Bible calls the devil; when it comes to sickness and other things, those are departments that the devil can delegate. The spirit of infirmity, and the likes but when it comes to sin, the Bible calls the devil the man of sin.
And so, you need to understand that when it comes to you dealing with some things; dealing with addiction, dealing with things like that, you are dealing with a stronghold, and because you are dealing with a stronghold, you deal with it in the place of prayer, not just that. You need to first know that, there is an attack that you are fighting, there is something that you are fighting, there is a stronghold holding you down and you need to deal with it at the place of prayer. You need to pray about it then not just that, the Bible says walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the desires of the flesh. This is very important, you need to learn to walk in the Spirit. I mean walk in the Spirit, give yourself over to Spiritual things. I found out that you see, when your spirit is alive when your spirit is not weak, when you have a strong human spirit then your spirit can superimpose on your flesh. When your spirit is weak, it is your flesh that superimposes on your spirit. And so, you find out that sin is very easy when you are Spiritually dull or when you are Spiritually weak. So what do you do?
Make sure you perpetually put yourself in a place whereby you walk in the Spirit and it simply means that you are Spiritual. You do Spiritual things, you give yourself over to Spiritual activities. You pray, read the word, you come to Church, you worship God. You engage in things that make you Spiritual. Then accountability, you need to talk to somebody. Sin thrives in secrecy. I have found out, the people that usually claim they have it all figured out, the sin will overpower them and just keep them down.
Talk to somebody about it. ‘ this is what I am going through’ . ‘I watch porn, I do this’ and then you have somebody preferably somebody higher than you, who is ahead of you, an authority figure that can put you in check, hold you accountable and guide you through that healing process. Open up, talk to somebody. In the process of you opening up, you fall back in it, go back and tell the person, ‘I did it yesterday ‘. You know if there are regiments they want to put you in, they will put you in those regiments but in the long run, you will find out that, that thing drops off you.

But most importantly, I just want to add this, don’t run away from Church.
That’s not what to do. You watch it, come to Church. You just watched it before you came to Church. Don’t say I just watched rubbish now, I can’t come to Church. Come to Church, that is where help is.

You see, one of the things the Word of God does for you is that it gives you a good bath. It washes you. It gives you a very good bath. So, come to Church.
Ms Ekene:
I want to add to that even though it’s about pornography, it speaks about every addiction.

I would like to add a few things. One is, whoever you are or however you are, please don’t feel ashamed. And, forgive yourself because so often we enter into condemnation.

There is no condemnation but there is conviction. They are two different things.
Condemnation says you are wrong. Conviction says the behavior is wrong.

You are not wrong, you are not broken, you are not damaged. You may have done something you are not proud of but just forgive yourself.

The second thing I want to talk about is that for all addictions, there is a theory that says all addiction comes from a desire for connection. So, even though you might be surrounded by people, you may be feeling alone and seeking something in that thing. So, Pastor has given very Spiritual things.

I wanted to buttress it with some psychological things and some emotional things.
So, you should ask what is it that is giving me that gratification because that is what you are looking for. The other thing to ask is, what are the triggers that cause me to go looking for that thing? For addiction, my own is bread. Sincerely, l need deliverance but I know that when I am lonely. This one is not bread of life, it is regular “Agege” bread. But I know I overeat bread when I am sad, lonely, I am looking for something.
I am not looking for bread.

When you are looking for alcohol or sex, whatever it is, it is connection. So, if you can find out what that is and you can find out what the triggers are, it will help you not keep falling back into the pattern. You interrupt the pattern whatever it’s.

Anything you are dealing with can be
overcome.
Question 4:
I will like to find out whether it is okay to date someone my sister dated twelve years ago. We both didn’t know that he dated my elder sister.

We only just found out?
Pastor Deola: Now, there’s no wrong answer I think. And then, it depends really. What was the relationship he had with your sister?

Were they having sex? Has she moved on from him?
Has he moved on from her?
Even if, it was nothing sexual, nothing physical, no emotional baggage attached.
You still have to go back to your family and talk about it.

I know of someone who said that she married her boyfriend’s best friend.

She was dating someone and then the person’s best friend was the person she eventually got married to.

Even at that, you still need to understand that all these relationships you still need; you still need your sister.
You still have to find out even if nothing happened.

You still have to find out. You ask your sister certain questions; are you okay?

Do you think I can do this? So it’s not a yes or no. It depends on the situation around what happened.
Pastor M: There is really no addition to what she said. I was just worried with the fact even if it was not sexual but it was emotional. So, will you be comfortable with leaving with two of them and you we will be connected to their lives.
Even if they didn’t have sex all the way, was there any kissing at all? You are going to think about all those things. There was a time he was in love with her. Is he using you to replace that feeling? I would really like you to talk to someone who would look at it critically and be objective about it but having said that, men are plenty abi? Why must it be this one that we are recycling?
Question 5:
How does one not get lost when trying to raise a family?
Ms Ekene:
Yeah, that is a great question.

Well, I think one of the things we need to start talking about and we don’t talk about is, that with every game there is a loss.

When you have a child, not talking about the trauma of childbirth, not just the physical trauma, the emotional trauma.

People don’t like to talk about it because they feel like, you know you should just be happy but the reality is, you have lost time, sleep, autonomy.

So much has changed and the reason why I said it is important to talk about it is that what you don’t talk about, you can’t prepare for. So you need to start preparing for it.

When you get into your marriage, you should have a clear sense of, What matters to you? I think you should know this before you step into marriage. In my time, nobody was talking about this. You are just told to go and get married, not knowing who you are.

You should know who you are, what your core values are, and what your vision for life is. And then you should marry someone with who you are in alignment. So, if you are in alignment, both of you can now find the pathway forward.
Don’t bend to serve your husband food and curse him in the heart. Make him understand your humanity.
You have to first of all honor your humanity. Even when Christ was on earth, He honored His humanity; He ate, He slept; He cried.
You have to make your husband understand your humanity and your capacity.
Love your children as a woman and love your husband as a wife.
Question 6:
In a distance marriage, is masturbation or phone sex allowed?
Pastor M:
Let me answer that question and I am going to keep it short. It’s a distance marriage and your sexual needs have to be met. The Bible tells us that, God didn’t really give us clear instruction on what to do inside your marriage. When you are married, He kind of leaves you guys. No rule says oh don’t kiss on the forehead, don’t kiss in the ear. He doesn’t break it down. So, when it comes to that kind of thing, God is trusting both of you to make the decision on what works. I don’t know if phone sex becomes masturbation. It can’t be masturbation if two of us are talking on the phone.
My only challenge is the length of time. There must be a plan. I don’t like long-distance marriage of we don’t know, let’s see how it goes. Because if the man is turned on the phone sex thing is not working, he has to go and express himself or the woman needs to go and finish what you people started. So, it becomes dangerous. You leave room for external candidates. That’s where I have a problem with these things. I feel like you should have a plan of when the two of you are going to be together.
That’s why I don’t like that we are here and my husband went to hustle somewhere. We are destroying marriage because of money. And I keep saying it, money is not everything. If you decide to stay apart, you must be disciplined. Those things open the door for other things to come in. But really, it’s on in our place to tell somebody what they do on their bed or out of their bed. God leaves that judgment to you. Marriage is honorable in all things and the bed undefiled.
Whatever you people decide to do is between the two of you. God is not there marking the two of you. He is not looking at, okay they have removed clothes now, okay they have now bent. And God leaves that to you and you have the Spirit of God, if what you are doing is not good, He will tell you.
Question 7:
How do you learn to forget someone you have forgiven and how do you overcome or work on the triggers of the pains you have forgotten and forgiven?
Question 8:
There is a Christian brother that we go to the same Church together, molested me but still wants to be friends. I have forgiven, I am hurting. What do you advise?
Pastor Temi:
Praise God.
Let me say this, we teach forgiveness and I think, that thing of ‘forgive and forget, there is nothing like that. Because forgiveness is not loss of memory.
This is what I always say. That when they crucified Jesus, right there on the cross, He forgave them because He even told the Father to forgive them. And when He resurrected, He didn’t look at all of them and say, ‘so, you crucified me, I don’t know what happened to me. He knew exactly what they did to Him. He even told Thomas that he should put his hand where they pierced Him with the spear. He knew thet these are scares that I carried from what they did to Him. So, it’s okay. That you have not forgotten the pains doesn’t mean you have not forgiven.
If someone molested me in Church and the person comes back to me that he wants to be friends with me, first of all, I don’t want to be friends with you because you know, you are a dangerous person. I am not safe around you. This is not about me not forgiven you. Because the fact that you forgave somebody doesn’t’ mean that you should not be wise. Wisdom is profitable to direct. It reminds me of something practical that happened to me. While we were in Secondary School then, I had a friend, we use to come to each other’s house. I use to stay in her house and all that. She had this uncle that I was so close to.
One day he came to my house, just me and him in the house, and the next thing, he was on top of me. And the next thing, I don’t know where the strength came from, I pushed him and ran into my Mummy’s room. God so good, five minutes after, my Mum came back. My Mummy saw him and was hailing him, ‘where is Temi?. 6:00 am the following morning, Mum had this meeting in Church that she goes for very early in the morning, so she was out. 6:00 am the following morning, I was moping the floor of the house when the uncle showed up again. Immediately I saw him, I wanted to run away, he just prostrated flat and said, ‘ I am sorry. He was weeping, he was wailing. I said it’s okay and I have forgiven you but I started avoiding the uncle.
We can’t be friends but we are not enemies. I don’t have to tell everybody what happened.
Pastor M:
I need to clarify some things, I won’t exactly disagree but I won’t totally disagree. I don’t think it’s the Church, I think it’s the people who make up the Church. Even if you go and tell your family members that someone molested you, they will hide it. And it is those same family members that are in Church. So, it’s not the Church, it’s people and it’s our culture. I want to also say this, we must learn to speak up.
When something is going on, speak up. I know for a fact that a lot of mothers are not prepared for such conversation. Which is why, in a Church like this we have people you know you can talk to. If you are a teenager, you know you have GTA you can talk to any day. It’s not only in Church, it happens everywhere. That is why I tell mothers, you have to retrain your children. You must be able to differentiate between uncle and Mister.
Even in Church. I know we are family. But it’s not all Israel that are in Israel. Some people came with ulterior motives. You have a daughter, you leave her with uncles in Church. Whose uncle is that? So, there is work to be done and there is no such building as the Church. We make up the Church. And until we start doing something about it, nothing will change. Hold your children, children are not Church properties.

When service is over, go to Children’s Church and pick your children. Pay attention to children. When you get home, start having conversation with them. Let it be okay for them to talk to you. In the office. It’s just about teenagers alone.

Young adults are being molested by their bosses. So, we need to start to speak up.
If someone offends you and they apologize, it’s fine but you don’t have to be stupid to bring them back into your cycle.

Oh let emphasize something, speak out where they can be a change.
Don’t go to social media. Social media is attention. What you need is solution.

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