IF FOR ANY REASON YOU HAVE A CHILD OUTSIDE WEDLOCK, BE PART OF THAT CHILD’S LIFE.
THE PERSON BRINGING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE CANNOT BRING DISCIPLINE
MEN TALK FOR SOLUTION AND WOMEN TALK FOR AFFECTION
Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo at David’s Christian Center Sunday Service.
Spirituality is not something we do, it is who we are so anything we do as believers is spiritual, that is the difference. We are spirits so as a believer, even playing football is a spiritual thing, this is our marriage month that is why we are doing everything sweet, we want to normalize happy marriages.
If you look at Songs of Solomon, you will see that God is balanced, some human beings try to be more spiritual than God.
I am almost tempted to say women are better managers but the topic itself has a problem because we are talking about ‘MANagers’, they have already put man inside the word manager, it is clear to know who they were looking for and talking to, a woman can’t be better than a man in being a man.
Talking about Pink and Blue, the whole idea of pink and blue is to understand the difference between men and women and to understand how it applies to our everyday lives.
God intentionally made men and women different because the difference brings balance. If we are the same it means we will have the same strength, the same weakness.
You don’t need a team member to be exactly like you, that makes the team member useless, what makes a team solid is that I can do something you can’t do and you can do something I can’t do, that makes the team powerful.
We can’t have eleven players and all of them are defenders or attackers, the difference in men and women brings the balance. Opposites usually attract, men and women being totally different attracts.
Opposite works better together because we can cover up each other. God made men and women and even though the world is trying to push that we are the same, we are not and we should accept and appreciate our differences and understand how it works.
The whole idea of this series is to help you understand yourself and your spouse and if you’re not married or don’t ever want to get married, you generally will understand the opposite better.
One of the problems in marriage is the question of why is he not like me and why is she not like me. He or she will never be like you, you need to understand that, the earlier the better.
- Men are logical and women are emotional: usually, when we say these kinds of things, people say so is it that women are not logical and men are not emotional? That is not what it is at all.
Those of you that attended the whole series, we said that in every human there is a male and a female inside every human, that is how it works, it is just that the degree to which we have certain hormones is different and that is what makes us different.
They found that as a man grows older, his testosterone begins to drop, this is why he is no more aggressive or sexual as he used to be. As he is getting older, he begins to want more companionship, he begins to want to cuddle, as he is getting older his female hormones are getting more and his male hormones less.
There is male and female in everybody and so women also have logic. The issue is women can be logical in every other thing but when it comes to relationships, women have an emotional side to them especially when it is their romantic relationship, they see it from the eyes of emotions first while men like to treat their relationships logically.
Men get emotional with things like sports but when it comes to relationships, men don’t bring out their emotional sides. It is not that men lack emotions or women lack logic, it is just that when it comes to that family relationship, women come emotionally more and men logically more and understanding these things will help you better.
The Bible says the Man is the head of the home, part of being the head is logic and if we look at it like that, the woman is the heart of the home, she brings the emotions. This is why one of the trends I am noticing is that we are normalizing single parenting, we should not normalize it.
I understand some people are in it not by choice, I am not judging you I understand but we should not normalize it, there are repercussions to that. The person bringing unconditional love cannot bring the discipline and the toughness part, same person can’t bring both most times. There is a compassion part the woman brings and a discipline part the man brings. There is an approval a man gives a child, it is different from the compassion a mother brings.
That is why a man and a woman represent God, the Right Hand of judgment and the Left Hand of mercy, God. God is a very merciful God, how many of you know that God has forgiven you? You can offend God a million times but He has forgiven you but however, one day you will reach the last day and you will meet the judgment sign. It is the two together that make the home.
A mother has unconditional love, if her child steals and they lock him in prison, she will take food to him in prison, unconditional love. A man will say lock him up, he is a fool.
The man has the judgment side and the two together bring the balance, the world doesn’t understand this. God has done everything perfectly, you can’t add to anything.
Man and woman represent the image of God and that terrifies Satan when He sees the image of God. When Adam was alone in the Garden, Satan didn’t come, there was no threat but when Adam and Eve were together, it suddenly looked like God and Satan appeared immediately.
Men in the house, it is important that when your children do well you give them affirmation, if for any reason you have a child outside wedlock, be a part of that child’s life, there is something they get from you they can’t get from their mother.
Be available, provide that affirmation and security especially if you have daughters, you are their first love and you have to show them the right image otherwise they will keep choosing bad men because you are the picture they see and they will either try to avoid you or marry somebody like you, if you are being a bad parent, you have sentenced them to continuous suffering so if you have a daughter, show them love, tell them I love you, hug them.
Even Jesus as powerful as He was needed affirmation from His Father, He said this is my Beloved Son in whom I am well pleased.
As a father please always give affirmation, don’t only talk to them when they have done wrong. Ladies if you are talking to a man about anything, beyond the emotional part, try to look at the logical part of that discussion.
The reason men run away from discussions with women is because women get emotional about every discussion and women don’t understand why men are so unemotional.
One of the common words you will hear from a woman as a man is that you are emotionally unavailable, you are just there physically but for a woman, physically is not enough, you have to be there emotionally. When she is going through some things and she is telling you, she is not telling you for a solution but affection.
Men talk for solutions, women talk for affection if a man is talking to a man they are looking for solutions. This is why some men don’t talk to their wives because they feel they can’t bring the solution, men always talk for solutions. Women talk for affection.
The wisdom is this, if a woman is talking to you about a challenge, don’t be quick to offer her solution, she wants you to empathize and be available in the situation so just listen and be asking questions, let her talk, that talking alone is therapeutic for her, it even helps her feel better and she is so smart, she will discuss the problem and also bring the solution.
It is wrong for you to be married and not be able to talk to your spouse or your fiancee, it is wrong to say you are busy you can’t talk, that talk is the deal. The reason men run away is that they feel that the things you are telling me I don’t even know the solution, she doesn’t need your solution, just empathize. Just be available emotionally. Many men are not available, they either dismiss, defend or disagree. Don’t do any of those things, let her talk. Don’t be pressured to bring solution.
Women on the other hand, when a man is talking to you, he actually needs a solution, he doesn’t want you to just cry with him, bring solution. Think of something and give advice even if he doesn’t go with your advice, don’t be angry, if you can’t, tell him you will pray about it. A man doesn’t mind the encouragement and the solution. If you are talking to a man, look for the logical part of that discussion.
Women like to compete, if their friend’s child is paying high school fees, they want to pay high school fees too even if the school is useless. A lot of things women do is to compete, we thought it was for men but it is not, men don’t know the expensive hairs you buy, we don’t know the difference, it is you people that know the differences that is why you compete among yourself sometimes you say it is your husband that bought it when you hustled to buy it. The reasons men and women want money are different. Even when it comes to doing rituals, all the rituals women do are rituals for men to give them money.
Men don’t have time, they do rituals to get money directly, the reason is different. The woman’s life will still somehow be linked to a man so all the jazz you see them selling is centered around one thing, men. How many times do you see a woman say I am going to sacrifice a cow to get money?
No, they say I am going to sacrifice a cow to get a man to give me money, men don’t have time for that, they just sacrifice thirty cows, they don’t need a woman, I am not saying you should go and do jazz I am just saying if you see the lifestyle, the statistics are always there. Women, look for the logical concept in what you are telling the man.
Why do you want to change the children’s school? I heard that in the school they get scholarships and so on, a man can relate, any other thing you are telling him because women can just feel something but they cannot present that as a proposal to a man, it is logical, they have to see it.
Abigail in the Bible was an expert at that, Abigail married Nabal, Nabal was rude to David, David was coming to kill him, Abigail heard so she packaged food, met David on the road, knelt down and begged, instead of saying please don’t kill my husband, if you kill him I will be a widow, that is the emotional approach, emotional approach doesn’t mean that it is wrong, all that she said is true but that doesn’t appeal to the man, it makes no sense to the man to say the reason I should not kill your husband is because you will be a widow, of course, you will be a widow!
She said to David, you know you will soon be King, if you mess up it will dirty your hand and it will spoil your reputation when you are king. Men are selfish, talking to him logically like that got more results, when David heard that, He said it is true. If you want to appeal to your husband don’t just say if you do it I will be happy, he is not trying to make you happy.
Abigail appealed to his logic not to his emotions, if Abigail was talking to a woman, all she will need to say is that you are a woman like me, I don’t want to be a widow, I don’t want my children to be orphans, they are still young, every woman will relate to that, you can’t tell a man that, he doesn’t relate. Appeal to the man’s logic when you are talking to him and men appeal to her emotions.
Be emotionally available to your wife, sometimes women just want to talk about emotional things, men find it dreadful.
You must make emotional investments, you must take her out from time to time, go on dates, on those dates, dress up, pick the place and she is free to order anything on the menu and from your plate, it’s a special day, no phone, just look into her eyes and talk, women like face to face connections.
Tell her how beautiful she is for no reason, don’t wait for a special day, by her gifts for no reason. Touch her nonsexual touch, when she is passing just tap her bum bum, play with her, hug her, kiss her, it must not be in the bedroom, it is important your kids see that you love their mum, you are the first idea of normal your kids are going to see.
As a wife be logically available, most times a man wants to bounce off ideas, don’t get emotional too quickly, hear him out.
When I hear a man saying I can’t get to this woman, it is because you are not speaking her language, speak to her emotional language, don’t speak to her logic, speak to her heart. If you can make this woman marry you, there is nothing you cannot do.
There was a story a long time ago of two teenage boys who killed their parents and started spending their money because they were very rich, police investigated and found out it was the boys, they changed their story to say they were sexually abused by their father. Women started sympathizing with them.
They have what we call the jury system, they picked about eight or nine people those people that will hear the case and vote. When they brought the case, the jury was divided among gender lines, all the women said they should not find them guilty for murder because they had said our father used to molest us, the boys were incredible actors, they were crying during the interview.
All those things appeal to women. All the men said ‘so they dey abuse you nia make you kill your papa’? Send them to prison straight! Because logically it makes no sense but emotionally it makes a lot of sense. That is how it is. A lot of things happening are not fair, it all depends on who is speaking the language. Women know these things, a woman will cause problems and play the victim, she will start crying, she has won you because it is women making the decision if it is an emotional man, she has won but if it is a logical man, he will stick to the fact.
Except for a case of rape, any situation a man and woman has together, both of them should be blamed but the world is an emotional world if those things happen people blame the stronger one and they sympathize with the weaker person not knowing that women have been playing that game a long time ago, they are not weak, they pretend to be, women are emotionally stronger, men are physically stronger so they play the weakness card and they win men all the time.
There is a lot of physical violence from the women’s side but nobody reports it. Cases like that shows that men are logical and women are emotional. If I want to talk to a woman, I ask her what she feels about it, a woman sometimes may not know what she thinks about it but she knows what she feels about it and sometimes she doesn’t have the logic to back up her feelings. A man follows logic, he can easily be deceived if everything looks good on paper.
If you make a woman feel good, even when she sees that this thing doesn’t add up, she can still follow you. Some women will follow a man that is not treating them right but is saying I love you. Women don’t follow logic, you can deceive men by making them think it looks like it tallies, a lot of women that are cheating on men are logically there. Women can multitask, she is doing everything at home correctly, her husband is seeing her, her boyfriend is seeing her, everyone is happy.
- Men like the project, women like the process: Men are project-driven meaning when they set a target they just want to get to the end of the project.
They are not so much interested in the process. Women appreciate the process, not just the project. The whole process is sweet for them. Men it is a big mistake when you have a project and you are not carrying your wife along.
Your wife’s biggest complaint will be that you are not carrying her along. She wants to be part of the decision-making process. As a man, don’t rush her through the process, let her enjoy the process, it will be boring to you but that is what marriage is about, it is about you inconveniencing yourself to bless somebody else.
Let her enjoy that process. At a wedding, a man sees the wedding as the end of something, a woman sees the wedding as the beginning of something. This is why when a man is chasing you sometimes and you say yes, he logs out that is why when he was toasting you, he will call you in the morning and the night but the moment you agree, the energy drops. He is a project-driven person, the moment you agree, the project is completed, even he doesn’t know why he is demotivated because in his mind project has been complete.
He doesn’t see the need to call you every day but you as a man needs to now learn that you need to maintain energy similar to the one you used to get her. This same thing happens with sex, this is why a lot of marital sex is not happy sex because a lot of men want the endpoint to have an orgasm and it can happen within two minutes.
Men don’t need to be aroused, a man can go from prayer to sex and back to prayers. Women need the process, you can start making love from morning till night. Men are like gas cookers, women are like electric cookers, you on it and go out so it will start catching small small.
Many men are horrible with sex, they just kiss for two minutes and let’s go but for a woman, all the sweet things you do throughout the morning is her getting in the mood and even when you start the act, there must be plenty of foreplay, some women even like the foreplay more than the intercourse. As a man, if you are married, you must talk about sex.
The process is a major part of it, women enjoy the process, men enjoy the project.
As a woman, you must understand your spouse, I can never forget the first time I went shopping in London many years ago, that time Nigerian tailors were frustrating us with trousers so I said if I travel I am going to buy trousers.
I landed in London, the first day, we went shopping, women enjoy the whole process of shopping, women know that you don’t buy tomatoes the first place you see tomatoes, women know that you check many stores and you try them, women know that because you’re a size eighteen doesn’t mean their own size eighteen is your size eighteen men don’t know that they just say I believe you. Men don’t have that time. Women enjoy the process, men enjoy the project.
- Say Father help me to be more sensitive to my spouse, fiancee. If you are a man you need God to help you to be available emotionally and as a woman,
you need God to help you speak more logically.
If you are a man you need to pray for God to strengthen you to enjoy the process and as a woman you need to understand how important the project is.